Smile… for me please…

Funny how once you hear a song… It just hits you…. Like wow.. This is how I feel… What’s even more amusing is that if josh groban sings it, its like a train hits you… When I found a recording of “smile” sung by josh groban at tanglewood during film night with john williams. It just struck me. The lyrics and voice. Josh groban’s voice is simply amazing on this song… You can hear for your self, download it below….

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Hear Josh Groban’s live rendition from Film Night at Tanglewood by downloading it HERE
Again amazing… I just wished I knew what I was doing. I’ve ended something special and important to me a few days ago… Finally… And officially.. I’ve gotten to the point where I couldn’t tletmy actions and feelings take a hold of me. Actions of anger and feelings of hope, anxiety, and failure. Failure, feeling as though I’ve been doing something wrong. Failure of not being good enough. Even though I hid my underlying feelings, a simple unfavorable action from her could set me off. More easily recently. After recovering from the fallout the beginning of the year, which I should say was the darkest in our relationship… We tried to fix whatever we had… However very rocky at first, we talked things out and things were on the up and up. So it seemed.. At a point, I figured it was no use in me trying to put additional efforts, trying to have something, with them wasted. Its quite sad.. I was planning out her birthday… As extravagent as it seemed.. Was fitting for her… Hmmm lets see what it consisted of.. Im going to start a new paragraph, since its THAT long..
Hmm.. form of transportation?? Of course a limo.. The day i said screw it, i recieved like 20 quotes for a rental for about 10.5 hours. Yes i know.. long time and very expensive, but i didnt care. It would have been sooooo coool!! With 3 stops and a possible 4th. 1st stop?? Greystone Mansion and park in Beverly Hills. Why there?? If you seen the “We Belong Together” music video by Mariah Carey. The scenes outside and the wedding and such?? Thats Greystone, and that is the mansion. This place is sooo nice its ridonkuos!! I mean the view of all of Los Angeles and Hollywood? Its soo amazing!! I was thinking about a picnic type deal, watch the sunset, and walk around the mansion. Next stop?? Wavefest at the Greek Theatre. Jazz concert type deal with Chris Botti. One amazing jazz trumpeter!! However, i was planning to have the screens at a point say happy birthday or even have Chris say it on stage. I dont know what extent i can do and what i can have done. I am friendly with the promoter of the theatre, however i am sure at the VERY LEAST a Happy Birthday on the two screens on each side of the stage.. After the concert.. Dinner somewhere.. I was thinking at Katana or Sushi Roku.. Which are both own by Ryan Seacrest. I wanted to see if Manny.. MANNY ON THE STREETS!!! FUTURE NUMBER ONE SELLING ALBUM MANNY GUEVARA!! 🙂 who works with Ryan can set up a private area at his restuarant and such.. I was even seeing if i could have Ryan call her and wish her happy birthday.. I dont know.. something just amazing you know?? Afterwards??? I was just thinking coming back to Rancho.. but i remembered my friend is the manager or front desk or something at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills. Go there and just chill out.. Tomorrow get a massage treatment or whatever and just hang out.. Yes i know.. too much isnt it?? Not really… Well it is to be honest.. But i dont know, in my head i thought she derserved all this and trust me, no one else has ever got me to a point where i thought about all this.. Thats most likely the very reason.. i need to take a break away from her… to get my mindset to being just normal and whatevers… I dont know how long that will take though..
Funny how we’ve ended it, and it always seems that we can’t really ever end it. I just don’t get it.. Itd be a first for me, ending something, and can’t really do it and coming back. Everything tells me our thing should be much more. But maybe its just me.. Well in our case… It is just me.. I mean I’ve had so many broken relationships where I’ve been told I was cold hearted. Im not going to lie, I didn’t really care. Either I was fucked over, lied to, or just something weird happened. I could have cared less if we were still friends or talked anymore. Its just so different this time, this time its my lost. Before, I would say whatever their lost, which honestly it was. Im a great person, not to toot my own horn, but im there and usually reliable. However, every time something goes awry and I choose to stop our friendship. I am lost… And I miss the girl… Really who does that? I’ve never really had a relationship like that, let alone a friendship. I totally will admit I need her in one form or another.Its just sad and depressing to know you’ve done everything you could to make this girl happy and give her things no one else would. All trying to go pass that friendship to something more and meaningful, only to have her only think as you as a friend and only a friend. I’ve done Floor seats to josh groban concert, who I introduced the music to her and introduced her to the man himself. Super thoughtfull birthday and christmas gifts. And of course all the little things inbetween. All in the name of somethign more than friendship, and her accepting them as gifts from a friend. Honestly, if friends were like me, I’d want some of those friends. And if this is what friends do for her, wow, she is indeed the luckiest girl alive and I never had a chance in the first place.
It just sucks… I finally figured out why I don’t commit. It took a book to tell me what’s wrong with me. Yeah yeah im sure you are all thinking.. Self help, how to find love blah blah. It wasn’t even like that at all really.. Am I gonna name the book? No.. Because it makes me sound desperate and not that’s even close. However, I’ve gotten by many friends, we’ll not friends but ex hook ups? I guess you would call it. You are afraid of commitment, blah blah. Watch you’ll commit when you find that girl blah blah. Here’s what I figured out, im not afraid of commitment, im a afraid of failure. It was a friggin apifany. Everytime I get called on being afraid of commiting, I say why commit when its gonna end. And pretty much end bad. Why? There’s not point. I couldn’t believe it was that simple. After I figure this out, I wanted to finally commit. Commit to someone special, plus the fear of failing was apparent at first. That’s what caused the inital problems in the relationship, along with the frsutration of not going anywhere. My fear went away after failing the friendship after my frustration was apparent which in turn cause her frustration numerous time. But every single time, recovering from it and being good against. I was like in awe and in shock.. This has to be different. Special.. Unique.. True.. As ryan cabrera would state.. But still… Nothing…. :(At least… I can boil down the only reasons why we had fights and arguments as friends and I hope she understands those reasons. Its just funny how our relationship was in the infancy… Lets just say, it just how it should be if we ever cross that line. But I don’t know. Only the future knows what’s in store for us. I do know what I wish the future holds for us. Inside joke alert… And if it takes 10 years… So be it… 🙂 I just wish whatever I decide isn’t going to be a mistake… Either keeping the distance for however long it takes for her relieze that she’s needs me in her life as much as need her.. Haha yeah right… In that process It could lead to resentment on her part towards me and I totally made a huge mistake.. Cue my favorite movie… The Family Man.. Starring Nicolous Cage, Tia Leoni, and “lets hug it out” Entourage super agent, Jerermy Privin. On which, it would encounter my very first regret.. Next to that one night in tijuana with that hooker… Just kidding.. Or I can say screw my feelings.. Keep the lines of communication open.. And friendship wall up and erect… Try not to get your feelings hurt everyother day.. Be there for her.. Keep her happy while you are in agony… And maybe something will happen naturally and eventually… Haha yeah right… She’s not going to change, ill be in this friendship, wondering what im doing wrong and why certain things aren’t happening… So I honestly rather pass… Its really not worth it… No point in staying a relationship where its going nowhere and feeling worthless…. Hmm… Decisions decisions… Whatever I decide.. Will all depend.. I wish I had that risk assesment program ruben fiffer uses in along came polly to assest things. Well until I decide… More laguna beach hook ups.. Back to the old anh… And…. “She’s out of my life/I don’t know rather to laugh or cry/ I don’t know rather to live or die/and it cuts like a knife/she’s out of my life. Yes I know, another josh groban song.. Can’t you tell by now im a huge josh groban fan? Just don’t call me a grobanite… Im about 40 years away from that and of the incorrect gender.
“I feel myself surrender/Each time I see your face/I am staggered by your beauty/Your unassuming grace/And I feel my heart/Is falling into place/I can’t hide/Now hear my confession.”/
I know another Josh Groban song… There’s no other song that describes EXACTLY how I feel about this wonderful girl. Oh well.. 🙁

About Anh Nguyen

Anh Nguyen is a Los Angeles based freelance photographer. Over the past six years, he has covered various concerts, movie premieres, red carpets, parties, and events. A southern California native, Anh attended UCLA and holds a Bachelor's degree in Philosophy and a minor in Accounting. In addition to photography, he is currently pursuing his license as a CPA and hopes to go law school. Adding to his many interests, Anh also loves to cook and has worked as a line cook for Food Network's celebrity chef Scott Conant's restaurant, Scarpetta, in Beverly Hills.